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As far as Made In Chelsea was concerned the fall-out between Lucy Watson and Stephanie Pratt was positively seismic – the equivalent of Noel and Liam Gallagher’s for Oasis or Cersei and Sansa in Game Of Thrones. (If Louise Thompson had been involved, we would obviously say Tyrion, for reasons to do with height – or lack of it.)
‘It’s never going to be the same again!’ Lucy Watson spat dramatically, as if the announcement that their friendship was at an end represented devastating news for the show’s fans.
Which it would do – if it wasn’t for the fact they probably preferred them being at war because it was more entertaining. Well, marginally…
Scroll down for video
Showdown: As far as Made In Chelsea was concerned the fall-out between Lucy Watson and Stephanie Pratt was positively seismic – the equivalent of Noel and Liam Gallagher’s for Oasis
The truth was, for the most part – until the final word – the impact of the rift was disappointingly muted.
One reason for this was that Ms Watson and La Pratt have fallen out before only to make up again. (Chelsea is such a vacuous world the inhabitants never hold on to grudges for long - either because they weren’t real in the first place or they just can’t remember what they were about, like glamorous goldfish.)
Their feud this week wasn’t much more than a feeble re-run of last Monday’s when for reasons of her own (and the scriptwriters), Stephanie ran around SW3 undermining her best mate’s relationship with boyfriend James with a stinging string of blatantly untrue stories and innuendos that were inexplicably groundless, gratuitously personal, and above all gloriously hurtful.
Seven days later, it was hard to understand why Stephanie was not only still trying to defend her (indefensible) lies but objecting that she didn’t need to apologise because ‘I haven’t done anything wrong !’
‘Is she thick?!’ as Lucy Watson put it, succinctly.
Fed up: ‘The way you have turned on me and tried to make everyone believe my relationship is going down the drain is bizarre !’ Lucy Watson complained, with surprising restraint
Protesting too much, Stephanie went further - maintaining that SHE not Lucy Watson was the victim of their fall-out.
‘Everyone’s alienating me,’ she sniveled without pausing to discuss why and appearing to wipe away a tear but actually poking herself in the eye to make herself cry.
When confronted with what she had done, the more wide-eyed with aggrieved amazement and consternation she was, the guiltier she looked.
‘The way you have turned on me and tried to make everyone believe my relationship is going down the drain is bizarre !’ Lucy Watson complained, with surprising restraint.
‘I haven’t! I honestly haven’t !’ Pratt protested, even though she had, she honestly had. (It had been on Made In Chelsea.)
Traumatic: ‘Everyone’s alienating me,’ Stephanie sniveled without pausing to discuss why and appearing to wipe away a tear but actually poking herself in the eye to make herself cry.
She simply scoffed dismissively rather than address the evidence Watson presented regarding the issue of what is presumably now known as EngagementRingGate or the allegation that Stephanie had told Lucy Watson’s sister that Lucy Watson had been calling Stephanie continuously ‘crying about James.’
‘I never ever said ‘continuously’ !’ she protested, evading the bigger lie.
‘I don’t trust you. I don’t feel I can have a normal conversation with you without you storing that information away and using it against me if we have an argument,’ Lucy Watson reiterated. ‘I don’t need friends like that,’ she concluded – as if the rest of us did.
‘I really don’t want to fall out with you,’ Stephanie whined, rather belatedly. ‘I love you so much.’
‘I loved being friends with you,’ Watson replied, with emphasis on the past tense.
‘So we’re not going to be friends?’ Stephanie checked, finally getting the message.
‘No,’ confirmed Watson, coolly. ‘Please don’t talk about my relationship any more.’
Back up: ‘I really don’t want to fall out with you,’ Stephanie whined, rather belatedly. ‘I love you so much’
With that, she walked away having contained her wrath with commendable, uncharacteristic, restraint. Until that is, we heard the parting shot: ‘f***ing b****h !’
Much more like it !
Here are the other highlights from this week’s episode.
Nicola and Stephanie greeting each other smiling ‘how are you?!’
Translation on MiC: ‘I hate you !’
Stephanie’s bare-faced, wide-eyed, lying to Nicola
Overstepping the mark: Protesting too much, Stephanie went further - maintaining that SHE not Lucy Watson was the victim of their fall-out in the dramatic episode that saw her wipe away her tears
‘People are saying you said Alex blushes around you,’ Nicola mentioned pointedly.
‘I never said that !’ Stephanie protested, shamelessly.
This was regardless of the fact that her lascivious, conniving, conduct towards Alex had been on television for all to see, in last week’s episode. (Stephanie ‘casually’ suggesting to Lucy Watson: ‘Do you notice when you talk to Alex he turns bright red? I don’t know if he blushes because he’s laughing or uncomfortable.’)
Alex’s transparently dishonest denial that he fancied Stephanie even though his ears had clearly pricked up when he heard that she said he was ‘cute.’ And not just his ears...
‘If Stephanie was single, would you date her?’ asked Louise.
‘No I don’t think so,’ stumbled Alex, which was true but only in so much that ‘date’ was not the verb Alex was looking for.
Comic relief: Binky insisting ‘my mum likes getting her boobs out when she’s drunk. It’s fine’ was comical. Suddenly the appeal for poor Binky of a tedious bore like JP is clear
Alex’s resemblance to ‘Sweaty Man’ Ken from Harry & Paul’s Dragons’ Den sketch when he went to tell Nicola why everyone was questioning his fidelity
‘You look so nervous. Why are you s***ting yourself?’ Nicola sensed immediately as Alex announced he had something to tell her.
‘I probably should have told you a bit sooner. It’s do with Steph...’ he stuttered - never a good start to a sentence that a man was saying to his girlfriend.
Nicola using the classic complaint ‘why didn’t you tell me?!’ when Alex WAS telling her To this, Alex resorted to the classic excuse used by men/spineless liars: ‘Because I knew you’d be like this !’ ‘It’s like you’re hiding something !’ Nicola accused, even though (for once) he was actually doing the opposite of this - by revealing that Stephanie had remarked that he was ‘cute’ and he had responded she was looking good, which for him was a pretty minor offence.
Nicola snaring Alex with the classic trap that women through the ages have set for men ‘So you don’t think Stephanie’s good-looking?’ Nicola asked, seizing on Alex’s insistence that he wasn’t interested in the voracious man-eating American. This left Mytton with the eternal dilemma of either maintaining that Stephanie wasn’t attractive (clearly untrue) or admitting that she was (clearly big trouble).
Fed up: Olivia (L) had a meltdown about Jessica Molly – a rant that recalled the halcyon days of Victoria calling Cheska ‘a fat turkey’ and Lucy Watson’s classic lament ‘why is everyone getting up in my grill?’
Toff showing Mark-Francis and Victoria pictures of her seemingly spanking Sam during her ‘naughty night out’ and trilling ‘I’m just worried Sam’s girlfriend will be upset by these photos’ Translation: ‘I’m just worried Sam’s girlfriend will be upset by these photos when I tweet them or show them on Made In Chelsea.’
Sam’s resemblance to a young Nigel Farage as he spluttered with bogus outrage that his girlfriend HAD been furious with him about the nightclub photos even though she hadn’t ‘Why is this happening to me?!’ Sam wailed, trying to divert attention on to his girlfriend listening to her sister’s annoyance and away from the reason why.
Binky insisting ‘my mum likes getting her boobs out when she’s drunk. It’s fine’ Suddenly the appeal for poor Binky of a tedious bore like JP is clear.
Love's young dream: After Binky professed her love for JP in the previous episode it was back to more drama as she met up with Ollie and the team to discuss the other drama's involved
Sam asking if Jamie was interested in Jessica Molly
Jamie was a sex-pest and Jessica Molly a female with a heartbeat so that would be a ‘Yes.’
Jessica Molly telling the others ‘I’m the invisible type’
A terrific addition to the show then...
Relief: The boys largely managed to avoid the drama that engulfed the girls for the episode and instead enjoyed a night out together in the hot tub, where they discussed it from a safe environment
Olivia’s meltdown about Jessica Molly – a rant that recalled the halcyon days of Victoria calling Cheska ‘a fat turkey’ and Lucy Watson’s classic lament ‘why is everyone getting up in my grill?’
‘Don’t show up at my exhibitions ! Don’t come near me!’ Olivia snapped. ‘Stop f***ing talking about me you freak!’
It was surprisingly strong stuff considering Jessica Molly was supposedly so innocuous and ‘invisible.’
‘Whenever I’ve seen her I disliked her completely,’ Olivia ‘explained’ – albeit without success. ‘It sounds bizarre because you can’t really judge someone until you know them. But she’s highly irritating and irrelevant to my life.’
God only knows what she’ll say if she does get to know her.
Dogsbody: The only one to escape unscathed from the episode was the chihuahua
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